Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
