I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
