If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Randomize
