I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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