You can't special order awesome
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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