I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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