Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
