How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Floor bacon is actually really good
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
