do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
