No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
