I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My penis needs a shock collar
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
