i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
