i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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