How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
