They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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