I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i think i have two assholes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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