Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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