Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
