I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
