i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
