put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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