I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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