Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
