Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
