I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
