I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
