Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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