4 words: hood of his car
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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