OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
