the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need moral support for this bender
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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