Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hippo gnu deer
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
