Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
