It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
