One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
