He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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