if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
