I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
