I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
