i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
