either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
