last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
