note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
