I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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