I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
