In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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