walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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