come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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