I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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