I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
