I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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