Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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