im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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